Thursday, July 10, 2008

I just gotta know

Why, Why, Why,
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE.....
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Friday, June 20, 2008

The Cable Company Saved My Life

As some of you may or may not know (or care) I am getting divorced... One of the side effects of this process involves dividing up the bills and deciding who pays what. During this stage, something always happens so I suppose I should not have been surprised to come home one day to "Dad... The cable doesn't work."
"Damn Comcast... Charge me a freekin' arm and leg but they can't even keep their stuff in working condition..."
Dialing my phone...
"Welcome to Comcast Electronic Voice Mail Hell!" The cheery automated voice answers the phone.
"I will be doing everything in my automated power to make this call as frustrating and unproductive as possible. How may I ruin your day? Please listen to all the possibilities before selecting a choice as our methods of destroying your day and self esteem have increased greatly with the addition of our new automated voice mail hell."

"If you are experiencing trouble with your phone...what are you calling us on? Press one for a list of possible devices you may currently be using to make this call."

"If you are experiencing trouble with your (I know I heard a distinct giggle at this point) High Speed Cable or High Speed Cable Internet connection, Press two now for further abuse."

Press Two:

A voice comes on to tell me three different ways to contact this faceless entity on line. An interesting choice because I already indicated I was having trouble with the cable that provides my online service.

"To check your balance or pay your bill... please have a copy of your statement with you."

What? I am trying to find out if there is an outage in the area!

"Please enter a series of 7000 random numbers in the order I am imagining right now to verify you are still on the phone."

"I need to speak to a human being...!" I scream into the phone.

The automated voice turns decidedly evil and says "That option does not exist. By the of those random numbers you punched in was your account number and I ran your records. You're about a million bucks in the red, pal, and we're cutting you off!"

The phone went dead. I dialed a new number.

"Yeah... Comcast says they discontinued our service because we haven't paid our bill. Yeah... I know you say you paid it but... Look... I'm just telling you we have no cable or Internet because we are three months behind in the bills... Uh Huh... Uh Huh... Uh Huh... but what happened to the money?"

You can guess the rest of that conversation.

Well... I need Internet for work so I call Comcast back. Turns out if you are willing to give them money they have a direct line to a human being. I spoke with a woman who was probably used to pattern the automated voice hell. She couldn't care any less about my predicament and she made it abundantly clear. I gave her my account information and paid the back bill and she tells me,
"We should have your service reconnected next Sunday."

"That's a week off! I need Internet for work!"

" should have thought of that before you got so far behind on your bill."
(By the way...she actually said that)

I thought for a moment. This is an expensive investment in a time when I have very little money.
"Hey... would it be any quicker if I only reinstall the Internet?"

"Why would you want to do that? What would you do without cable TV?"

"I really don't watch much TV and the channels I like most are streamed online anyway... How much for Internet only?"

"You know...If you want to...I can give you a special package that includes Internet, cable and a premium channel you didn't have before for about a third of what we were charging you before."

"What? How can you disconnect my service and then tell me if I want to cancel you'll lower my rates? Don't you realize it's the high rates that make it so difficult to keep up? I'm paying four bucks a gallon for gas and eating pictures of food I cut from my neighbors Sunday paper and you as well as admit you've been screwing me on my rates for the last ten years? Screw this! I want Internet only...and I only want it until I can find a competitor that I can take my business to."

Feeling incredibly self righteous, I finished the call and soon realized I was in a house with no cable or Internet connections for at least a week. The first night was weird but by the second night, my daughter had rounded up all the VHS and DVDs we've had scattered throughout the house and organized them on the coffee table. We realized many of them were still unopened. For the next week we watched all our favorite series including Scrubs and Futurama along with all our favorite movies and we kept remarking on how much better the picture quality was and how much better the show was when it wasn't edited for time or content or riddled with commercials. We watched those movies we "always intended to watch" and time passed. When the Comcast guy showed up on Sunday, he wanted to verify that a mistake had been made. He was prepared to hook up the cable as well as the Internet even though the paperwork specified Internet only.

"Nah..." I told him. "In the last week I've watched movies I had forgotten about and spent time talking to my family. I've ridden my motorcycle more often and I've noticed I feel less like I wasted a day when I fall asleep. You know... Comcast gave me a week without commercials and I found out I liked it. I need the Internet for work and I'll be glad to be able to check the weather and the local news again but I don't think I'm ever gonna have cable TV again."

He looked at me like I had just grown a third eye right in front of him. See...that's the kind of reality you can't get on TV.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

It is Saturday evening...I have ELO in the background and sake in my glass and the day was only eight and a half hours long so I suppose it could have been worse.

I was reading an article about evil...a different subject , I admit, but an interesting one none the less...

The author wanted his readers to believe that evil does not exist but is simply an expression of the lack of short...the amount of evil can be quantified by the lack of good...

In his argument...he stated that god was all powerful and that some people believe that since god is so...that god must have created evil...he made the argument that god would not create evil but man would see evil as an absence of gods love and interaction...

I read the paper this morning...among the headlines was a spot about a man who beat his girlfriends child to death because it would not stop crying...a man was finally caught and charged with raping two teenagers in his basement outfitted to resemble a dungeon...the federal government is spending millions to track down people who are raping children live on the internet because the child porn industry is growing stale and simple snap shots are not bringing in the revenue they used to...

they tell me god is all knowing and all powerful...he knows every sparrow that falls...why would he not know your name...

they tell me god spoke the world into existance and granted life to man because he willed it to be so...

they tell me god knows EVERYTHING...

if you really knew about these things and still allowed them to happen...

evil is not a lack of god...

evil is god

I think I need a drink... about white paper fear. I'm just gonna start rambeling and hope something comes out. This is kinda weird....Usually, I can't wait to get a few minutes to start writing. I have all these thoughts...little ideas trying to grow.

I'm trying to do an alcohol free weekend. One of my employees turned 21 last week and in true friendly fashion, all the guys in the shop decided to get together and give him a bit of brain damage. I don't even know when we left the bar...I'm really thankful there were people there who were smarter than us and generous enough to offer rides.

It's an interesting rite of passage when you consider the implications of a 21st birthday celebration. He's finally old enough to be considered an adult in every way.
Five years ago, he was old enough to navigate a two and a half ton vehicle along the busiest streets with no supervision....but he could not drink.
Three years ago he could legally buy the cigarettes he has been smoking since he was fifteen and he could join the military, get a gun and die in a war...but he couldn't drink.
At eighteen years of age, he could vote in any election and help shape the destiny of his country. He could go to a federal prision if he got out of line. He was legally responsible for all his debts and he could get a credit card with a simple alcohol, though. be truly an adult...the finest show of maturity...the ultimate evidence of his coming of age...
I guess the only thing left is to gather with the rest of his "adult" friends and try to drink himself into a coma. God it's so good to see the kids grow up!

I'm sorry...I don't even know if I'm being sarcastic or not! I think I need a drink.

An Oldie but a Goodie

Subject: Ted Nugent
A while back, Ted Nugent is credited with appearing before the Senate and reading a speech regarding a number of issues including Gun rights, Hunters rights and the general Disposition of the American People as he saw it. It happens to fit my general view of the subject to a T so I am passing it on to anyone interested. I know this has passed through the internet more times than most viruses but it is still quite pertinate so...enjoy.

Dave Waltersdorff 2003
from Ted Nugent...

I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires.I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately!

I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English! My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount votes when needed.

I know what the definition of lying is.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich.

I don't pity the poor.

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.

It doesn't ! take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me french fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.

And…if you don't like my point of view, tough.


Friday, May 16, 2008

Number One

Welcome to my blog. I hope you find something I will eventually rant aimlessly about to be funny and interesting as well as thought provoking. As a starting point, I will post blogs already posted on other sites (written by me) so I can attempt some sort of uniformity. Please feel free to check back often. I'll try not to disappoint!